13 Great Valentine’s Gifts Women Want but Won’t Get

Warning: this post contains scenes of nudity (sadly only mental ones in my head) and saucy language. Only joking. It’s a bit rude. A lot. Not really. Ok it is. Sort of. There’s a mild amount of innuendo. By mild, I mean in every paragraph. If you’re a family member, don’t read it. And if you’re a friend, don’t look at me like that. #YoureAllAdults (NB Clearly, there are many Valentine’s gifts women want that I could have written about but these 13 ain’t bad.)

A while ago I wrote a piece called 13 Confessions of a Housewife

in which a bunch of famous über attractive men were the butt (pun fully intended) of the joke. It was just an excuse to be a bit silly, a lot naughty and laugh muchly. I’m glad to say people got it and chuckled along with me. By people I mean women (men were a bit taken aback but that’s just the whole ‘double standard’ thing kicking into gear if you ask me).  Anyway, moving along swiftly before I start a gender riot…

 

Love it or hate it, Valentine’s is around the corner.

So I got to thinking about things women really want, you know:

  • what they’d really love to have if they actually could have it
  • things that don’t exist in the shops
  • things that would be a tad illegal (and probably unaffordable) if you could buy them in a shop
  • things you can’t stick a bow on (well actually come to think of it…)

Yes, by ‘things’ I mean men. [Oh no, she’s objectifying men. #SorryNotSorry]  So here’s my gift to you: a wee piece of fun about yet more famous good looking men.

The ultimate list of naughty but nice  Valentine’s gifts women want.

featured image valentines gifts women want

 

Ok, it is probably a huge assumption saying women want all these as we have different tastes. I’m no survey expert; just a married woman of too long 15 years with a sense of humour And before you ask, no Channing Tatum – bleugh he makes my stomach turn and after seeing him in a certain film where he single-handedly saves America/the world armed with nothing but one gun and a string vest, double bleugh – is NOT in this. Nor is David Beckham (I’ll always love him but I never did get used to the voice)…despite the unanimous outcry over them not being included in the Housewife Confessions post. My blog, my men. I mean rules.

In order of hotness – oopsy daisy – surname:

1. Adam Canto


This guy has grown on me. Not like that!  Stop it.  I’m really trying not to start laughing already. I mean I like him a bit more with every Designated Survivor episode I watch. Chiselled jaw, dark eyes etc etc. I’ve not seen him in anything else but oh my…Adam Canto? I say Adam Can Oh…  Valentine’s gift list? I should co co.

 

2. Josh Duhamel

josh duhamel, valentine's gifts women want

Josh who? I was going to ask what happened to him after seeing him in just about every film in the late noughties but according to IMDB he’s still working in film and TV. WHO CARES? The main thing is there are still pictures of him on the interweb! Josh may not be posh but oh gosh…

 

3. Michael Fassbender

via GIPHY

So not laughing at the last bit of his name, promise. This guy always strikes me as the thinking woman’s male hottie. Definitely more on the sophisticated side rather than the shirtless beefcake type (she said trying. very. hard. not to make vulgar beef-related jokes). A romantic dinner with this chap? Yes please. Just don’t order any beef dishes cos I’ll laugh.

 

4. Ioann Gruffud

Ioan Gruffud looking sultry on sofa valentine's gifts women want

I’m not even going to mention how long it took to track this guy down. You know why? Because I could not for the life of me remember his name and couldn’t exactly google ‘seriously hot Welsh Guy with the impossible name’. Frankly, I still can’t pronounce it (and I’m Indian for God’s sake, we invented difficult names!)  Valentine’s gifts women want? Out of all the yumsters on here, THIS guy gets my vote…er and Richard…and Chris… Foursome anyone? Sadly I shall have to marry him in my dreams because 1) I’m already hitched 2) I couldn’t bear the utter frigging hell of spelling out an Indian first name and Welsh surname in real life.

 

5. Bear Grylls

valentine's gifts women want, bear grylls in mountains

I know. Not your typical pin up but there is something so wholesome?  Real? Alright most ‘real’ people don’t go hanging off the side of a cliff or eating an unthinkable diet of insects. Rugged? Hmm that usually makes me think of the cowboy hat brigade rather than Bear’s rather public school self.  Let’s go with ‘down to earth’. He has a certain charm. And let’s face it, when a man says “It’s x degrees fahrenheit, I’ve not eaten in days, I’m shivering because my sweat has frozen in the night air and I need to drink my urine to avoid dehydration” you know AT THE VERY LEAST this man is going to be more interesting company than cowboy hat man (even if the conversation occasionally makes you throw up in your own mouth).

 

6. Tom Hardy

Sexy GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Brooding, sexy, good looking – if not in the classic sense – and rather intimidating. Deserves a place on this list because…well basically he scares me and if I ever become a famous blogger, he may hunt me down and pin me to a wall (yes please) and demand to know why he wasn’t included. I have it on good authority that Mr Hardy is one of the Valentine’s gifts women want, really really want.

 

7. Hugh Jackman

valentine's gifts women want, hugh jackman

Or Huge. Ackman. as he is known in our house. Inside joke. Well, more a joke made in the hit film Night at the Museum and heard by millions of viewers. Go on, I challenge you not to say it like that from now on. Ever since hearing it, I’ve laughed at the sight/mention of this actor. I’m well aware laughter is not the normal reaction most ladies have seeing him but an entirely different reaction altogether. Which is why he’s made the list. (Well that and the fact that if he walked into the room, I’d lose myself totally.) Valentine’s gifts women want rating? 8.

 

8. Jon Bon Jovi

via GIPHY

I admit I’ve slipped him in here – if you’ll pardon the expression – even though alphabetically, he probably should have gone first. But I was a bit nervous about starting the post with someone who’s no spring chicken. There again, neither am I. Total coincidence that he’s next to another middle aged chappie. But man has this guy aged well or what?! ‘Chicks dig him.’ So do I. (Even though I admitted I’m no chick anymore. Now I’m just confused.)

 

9. Rob Lowe

valentine's gifts women want, rob Lowe in tuxedo

Eeeww why is she putting another oldie in here? Firstly, careful, he’s only four years older than me, I’ll have you know (and I’ve just found out he’s a fellow Pisces yay!). Secondly, ‘oldie’ he may be but gorgeous he still is. I have no clue why I’m suddenly talking like Yoda. But I do know the other reason I’ve included him is (apart from the fact that he was probably THE best looking guy of the 80’s and STILL looks incredible) I just want to say ‘How Lowe can Rob can go?’ ba ha HAAA.

 

10. Richard Madden

via GIPHY

I. Can’t. Breathe. It’s fitting he’s number 10 because I really would give him a 10. I’d give him something else too but this is a family show (so they tell me), so I’ll keep it clean. (Ish.) There is a lot I could say about Richard. A LOT. I could crack jokes about a certain nickname D**k. I could say how the very sight of him is too much to handle and is quite madden-ing. Get it? I could pretend I included this gif out of admiration for the craftsmanship that went into his outfit. #YoureNotLookingAtHisTopHalfEither But I won’t.  I’ll simply leave you with the image, not the actual image (because no blogger wants to annoy Google) but the mental one of THAT bum  in Game of Thrones, Red Wedding. Have you seen this man’s backside? Frankly that alone earns him a place in a list of great Valentine’s gifts women want. Two years later…I’m still a mess.

 

11. Chris Pine

valentines gifts women want, chris pine shirt and tie

One of the Valentine’s gifts women want. Or don’t… I reckon this guy polarises woman. You must have misheard me. I said polarises. No it’s not a ‘position’. I reckon women either think he’s the most handsome man ever or well…he just doesn’t do it for them. I’d have a hard time choosing between him and Ioann to be honest as I’m a huge Pine fan. Again stop making up your own jokes. The more films I see him in, the more I luuurrvve him and pine after him #WorstJokeEver

 

12. Ryan Reynolds

 

valentine's gifts women want, ryan reynolds black tshirt

Now as you may recall, I mentioned Monsieur Reynolds’ namesake, Monsieur Gosling, in the Housewife Confessions post. To be honest, I hummed and hawed about including this particular Ryan. I’m in two minds about him because sometimes I think he’s a hottie and sometimes a nottie. He’s probably a bit too squeaky clean for some but I know he has a huge following among the ladeeees so he definitely needs to be listed as a Valentine’s gift.  You know, one that you won’t be receiving. Sorry about that.

 

13. Chris Hemsworth

chris hemsworth, valentine's gifts women want

No I haven’t had a sudden alphabetical breakdown after listing everyone by surname. There’s a reason for leaving him til last. If you’re a regular Absolutely Prabulous follower, you may have already worked it out.  Personally, I didn’t notice le Hemsworth for ages beyond hearing about him and his brother as a sort of joint package. I know, I really shouldn’t use the word ‘package’ in a post about attractive men. Then suddenly there he was in every film, shirtless, ripped muscles, cheeky smile etc. He’s constantly on those sexiest men lists, is easy on the eye and…

is famous for playing a character whose name sounds like the way you’d feel after going just one round with him:

Thor.

My work here is done. (Mainly because I now need my blood pressure tablets.)

#DropsMic

Update since publishing:

Jon Hamm

jon hamm is one of the valentine's gifts women want

 

Ok, inevitably people who’ve read the post have pointed out some criminal oversights. I can’t believe – considering I only just watched his amazing speech for Tina Fey and the fact he stars in one of the loveliest films (Million Dollar Arm) – that I actually forgot the rugged what-you-see-is-what-you-get utter hunk that is Jon Hamm. Surely one of THE Valentine’s gifts women want? And no I wasn’t going to crack any smutty jokes about his name sounding like pork. (Because it’s not the right spelling. Phew.)

PS The mystery man name question has been answered thanks to Mum Muddling Through and of course this is none other than the yumster from Game of Thrones and The Other Woman, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau. Why on earth am I saying ‘of course’ like his name is as easy John Smith? What a blooming mouthful. I mean his name. His NAME is a mouthful! You lot are incorrigible. I give up.

via GIPHY

 

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Comments

Comments

12 Comments on 13 Great Valentine’s Gifts Women Want but Won’t Get

  1. Mess and Merlot
    February 9, 2017 at 3:20 pm (7 months ago)

    *Stands up & applauds* I mean, what are you trying to do to me woman??? I am loving your work here (and No.4, too funny) 🙂 #CoolMumClub

    Reply
    • prabs
      February 9, 2017 at 5:36 pm (7 months ago)

      lol!! hilarious comment!!

      Reply
  2. justsayingmum
    February 9, 2017 at 4:45 pm (7 months ago)

    Why thank you darling for one of my fave ever posts! Fassbender wins it for me totally – I may have watched that clip a few times! Oh and I urge you to check out Ed Westwick – swooning over here. Oh I adore this trashy chat! #CoolMumClub

    Reply
    • prabs
      February 9, 2017 at 5:37 pm (7 months ago)

      Ba ha glad you liked Hun! We shall have to chat over this some time 🙂

      Reply
  3. MMT
    February 9, 2017 at 9:49 pm (6 months ago)

    Oh you got one of my all time crushes in here! Richard Madden aka Robb off of GOT. I actually felt bereaved when his character was cut, and then, along came Cinderella. Shall we watch it again girls? Oh go on then…

    Thanks for sharing this corker with the girls at #coolmumclub 😉

    Reply
  4. Rhyming with Wine
    February 9, 2017 at 10:25 pm (6 months ago)

    I would answer to Mrs Grylls any day! Although I’m sure that all dates would end up involving wilderness and being pounced on by a… oh wait!? 😉 Well this brightened up my evening no end! Thanks for that! x

    Reply
    • prabs
      February 9, 2017 at 11:23 pm (6 months ago)

      lol see? great gift

      Reply
  5. Catie: An Imperfect Mum
    February 10, 2017 at 1:34 pm (6 months ago)

    Oh I like Chris Pine – those eyes. But I love a bit of GOT action and Kit Harrington would be my choice of valentine. Fabulous post. I’m feeling warm and fuzzy right now, Thank you Thank you for linking up to #ablogginggoodtime

    Reply
  6. Babes about Town
    February 13, 2017 at 9:43 pm (6 months ago)

    Ahem. Idris Elba? Helloooo???!! 😉

    Nice list, although not feeling most of them much apart from Hemsworth and of course Hardy. Lush.

    Reply
  7. Claire - Life, Love and Dirty Dishes
    February 17, 2017 at 5:56 pm (6 months ago)

    I have to say Tom Hardy does nothing for me. But I’ve been in love with Jon Bon Jovi since I was 11 years old. I rather enjoyed this post though 😉 Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics Prabs x

    Reply
  8. Annette, 3 Little Buttons
    February 20, 2017 at 12:25 am (6 months ago)

    I may end up pining for pine too. But was secretly looking out for Gerard Butler! A perfect #DreamTeam 🙂 Thank you for linking up xx

    Reply
  9. Silly Mummy
    February 23, 2017 at 7:56 pm (6 months ago)

    Haha! Wasn’t Tom Hardy literally what the women (and I’m sure some of the men) of the country got for Valentine’s Day from CBeebies?! I like Richard Madden too. But Aidan Turner, Aidan Turner, AIDAN TURNER!! Thanks so much for joining us for #FridayFrolics

    Reply

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