15 Wines Every Desperate Mum Needs to Survive Parenthood

 

So a while ago, I came up with a Cocktail Menu specifically for mothers.

People related so much that I got to thinking it’s only logical I do something similar with regards to wines. Then recently, I saw an article by Life As a Rambling Redhead on a friend’s wall, joking about pairing real wines with our child’s behaviour.  It seems that Mummy wine (well wines for parents cos dads have been known to drink too, although mummy wine has a ring to it) are becoming a parents’ survival mechanism. I mean, you can barely go a week on social media without ‘bumping into’ a wine meme such as this now legendary one:

glass-wine

 

So I reckon there is a real demand for wines made specially with parents in mind!

Don’t agree? How familiar does this sound?

 

Wouldn’t it be great if they made a mummy wine range, a vino for parents based on what we go through during the many stages of raising our kids?

Just think: entire vintages cultivated for those of us who have endured:
– the newborn sleepless nights phase
– the shock to the system that is breastfeeding
– the torture of toilet training
– the marathon otherwise known as the school years
– and dare I mention the obstacle course of the teenage years.
Alas, there is nothing on the market for those of us in the trenches otherwise known as parenthood. But fear not dear reader:


The Absolutely Prabulous Whinery (see what I did there?…oh the GENIUS) is coming to the rescue of wine-drinking parents everywhere.

Yes, I have been working hard to come up with a range of wines that does just this. Without further ado, I bring you, [trumpet fanfare, drumroll etc] 15 Wines They Should Make For Parents. So bottoms up (and pants down). There again it’s precisely that nonsense that got you into the situation where you need these wines in the first place. So on second thoughts, keep your pants on and just read the post.

The first three up are the New Parent Wines (or those still growing their young family):

potty-sleep-boobs


Going Nuts
, Sleep-Deprived Zombie and Weapons of Mass Distraction are fine choices that will help you survive those early years. Alright, it looks like I’m suggesting breastfeeding mums partake. I don’t know how that happened. I think I fell on the keyboard and accidentally photoshopped that one. Also, I may have embellished when I called them ‘fine’ choices. When you’re so sleep-starved that you could cry at the drop of a hat, can’t remember the last time your boobs didn’t hurt or leak and you’re waaaay past the point of caring if you smell of kiddie wee, Honey, you won’t CARE WHAT THE HELL KIND OF WINE you’re drinking. Vinegar? Sure, fill up my glass.

 

Next we have a selection suited to parents of toddlers who are at home or those in daycare or pre-school:

ladies-night-gym-lunchboxes
Just Shattered, Fraudster
and Lost Identity are light-weight fruity wines. These three are perfect for the woman who realises her life has changed f-o-r-e-v-e-r and with it, her ability to drink more than one glass without falling over. Dads are more likely to handle more than one glass (sorry but it’s the truth). The exhausting baby phase might be over but the routine of daycare or preschool is a reality and crawling home at 4am after a night on the tiles is a distant memory. The desire to exercise is there but it never quite happens. And shopping for life’s luxuries such as fancy handbags and must-have cosmetics is no longer a priority and anyway it’s a total mission with little ones in the equation.


The range I spent the most time developing comprises six wines, for parents of school going children; and most closely matches the stage of parenthood I am in myself.

yoga-pants-homework-form


Mum’s Uniform, Parents’ Punishment and Scatty Mama are medium-bodied wines that suit the parent adjusting to a new routine now that their child has entered the school system. These go especially well with supervising homework (may I suggest a discreet plastic cup so that the budding student doesn’t suspect mummy or daddy is a lush), searching for that damned form again which was due in yesterday or simply relaxing (translation: slumping exhausted) on the sofa after kiddie bedtime…in those yoga pants you’ve been wearing all day.

 

lost-projects-bell
Super Glue, Ugh and School Run are for parents who require something a little heavier. When getting them to school on time, running around the building trying to locate yet another lost pencil case/coat and spending the entire evening on a science presentation (that you’re pretty sure your child was meant to do) just gets a bit much, these go down nicely.

 

Last but not least, wines for parents of [inhale] preteens and teenagers [exhale].
Need. I. Say. More.

 

teenage-wine
Looking for something with more body (translation: to knock you out)? Then may I suggest Floordrobe, Bankrupt and Denial? Robust and as full-bodied as they come,There again, there are simply not enough wines on earth to help anyone cope with that.

Let me speak to my people at the Absolutely Prabulous Whinery about that.

Crap, there are no ‘my people’.

There is no Absolutely Prabulous Whinery.

These wines don’t exist.

Dammit.

Someone pass the vodka.

Cheers/Santé/Salute!


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Comments

Comments

40 Comments on 15 Wines Every Desperate Mum Needs to Survive Parenthood

  1. Notting Hill Daddy
    December 6, 2015 at 3:59 pm (1 year ago)

    Wow Prabs, what an interesting post !
    I can see this has been extensively researched and welcome additional posts on Vodka and Whisky. I particularly liked the “Ugh” red, fruity and smooth with just a hint of Vanilla. Does Tesco carry “Ugh” or do I need to come to Malta to stock up ?
    On another note, do try to be less on Facebook and more on Twitter. Not all of us have FB !

    Reply
  2. Stephanie
    December 7, 2015 at 9:08 pm (1 year ago)

    This is fantastic! There should be these types of wines for sale. I’d probably buy the Fraudster and the Just Shattered ones.

    Reply
    • prabs
      December 8, 2015 at 12:45 pm (1 year ago)

      lol you and me both.

      Reply
  3. Modern Belle
    December 9, 2015 at 3:39 am (1 year ago)

    I love this post! Makes me want to come up with a series just for the single people out there! Thanks for sharing some humor! #abitofeverything

    Reply
    • prabs
      December 9, 2015 at 8:19 am (1 year ago)

      Ha ha go for it! Would love to read it.

      Reply
    • prabs
      December 9, 2015 at 11:07 am (1 year ago)

      Ha ha I do they think they need to start doing a separate section in sportswear shops for people who need yoga pants for everyday clothing and NOT yoga!

      Reply
  4. Becky, Cuddle Fairy
    December 9, 2015 at 2:04 pm (1 year ago)

    You are onto something here Prabs!! I love them all – especially the sleepless nights falling asleep standing up range & the school gate fashion. But, I don’t iron my yoga pants – they are unironed lol I might need the wine even more. Great & funny post as always hun. x #sharewithme

    Reply
    • prabs
      December 9, 2015 at 3:00 pm (1 year ago)

      Thanks Cuddles. Honestly…that’s just the first 15!!

      Reply
  5. Sarah Howe (@RunJumpScrap)
    December 9, 2015 at 2:29 pm (1 year ago)

    How are there so many bottles?? haha. Fab post. I am only at the second level. I am dreading the school and homework phase as I know it takes so long from what I have heard. I think being in workout clothes all day sounds fab! xx Thanks for sharing with #bestandworst and see you soon x

    Reply
    • prabs
      December 9, 2015 at 3:00 pm (1 year ago)

      I don’t think there are enough bottles! Had to curb myself ha ha.

      Reply
  6. mummuddlingthrough
    December 10, 2015 at 10:28 am (1 year ago)

    We’re going to need a bigger glass recycling box….

    Great post, as ALWAYS x x

    Thanks for sharing it with us p1ssheads over at #coolmumclub

    Reply
    • prabs
      December 10, 2015 at 6:23 pm (1 year ago)

      You crack me up. Yeah, we just might need a bigger box. Damn. #CoolMumClub

      Reply
  7. Tammymum
    December 10, 2015 at 9:52 pm (1 year ago)

    I love this post, id be guzzling the fraudster and sleep deprived zombie by the bucket load! #coolmumclub

    Reply
    • prabs
      December 10, 2015 at 11:53 pm (1 year ago)

      Ha seems there a quite a few fraudsters among us!

      Reply
  8. Jessica Powell (Babi a Fi)
    December 11, 2015 at 9:41 pm (1 year ago)

    Hehe, love this! I’d stock up on crates of Just Shattered 🙂 #FridayFrolics

    Reply
    • prabs
      December 11, 2015 at 11:47 pm (1 year ago)

      We can drink it together! xx

      Reply
  9. This Mum's Life
    December 12, 2015 at 2:55 pm (1 year ago)

    As a lover of wine, I’m definitely a lover of this fabulous post! My recycling box is already embarrassing, so I’ll take them all! But could particularly down a bottle of Lost Identity right now. Will it bring it back at all??!
    #FridayFrolics

    Reply
    • prabs
      December 12, 2015 at 10:44 pm (1 year ago)

      I’m sorry to tell you…no! Thanks for reading!

      Reply
    • prabs
      March 13, 2017 at 11:53 pm (2 months ago)

      Ha ha yes I’m working on that particular bit. Thanks for reading.

      Reply
  10. Mackenzie Glanville
    March 14, 2017 at 7:33 am (2 months ago)

    oh my gosh too brilliant! laughed so much, maybe because I’ve been through pretty much all those phases with my eldest almost 13, thankfully not the dating one yet! But yes Math Homework is torture and why don’t they wait for us to arrive before ringing the bell? So rude of them! #candidcuddles

    Reply
    • prabs
      March 14, 2017 at 11:04 am (2 months ago)

      lol awww glad you enjoyed it. lots of fun to put together.

      Reply
  11. MomOfTwoLittleGirls
    March 15, 2017 at 12:37 pm (2 months ago)

    Very good. I’d definitely want to be a shareholder in that whinery … if you aren’t too concerned about me maybe drinking all the profits?

    Reply
    • prabs
      March 15, 2017 at 2:17 pm (2 months ago)

      Ha ha brilliant!

      Reply
  12. Mummy and the Mexicans
    March 20, 2017 at 4:46 pm (1 month ago)

    Haha, why don’t these wines exist?! I think maybe you should start a winery, you’d make a fortune with this idea! #CandidCuddles

    Reply
  13. Random Musings
    March 22, 2017 at 3:53 pm (1 month ago)

    Loved this Prabs! My particular favourite was floordrobe! You should so open this whinery – million dollar business right there lol
    Thanks for linking up to #BloggerClubUK 🙂
    Debbie

    Reply
    • prabs
      March 22, 2017 at 9:02 pm (1 month ago)

      Ha ha the worst thing is I can’t even claim credit for that. Was the inspiration of a friend!

      Reply
  14. The Tale of Mummyhood
    March 23, 2017 at 12:42 pm (1 month ago)

    A bottle of ‘Going Nuts’ over here please!! #coolmumclub

    Reply
    • prabs
      March 23, 2017 at 2:08 pm (1 month ago)

      Ha ha I knew this whinery would be a huge success! I’ll place that order immediately 🙂

      Reply
  15. Nicole - Tales from Mamaville
    March 23, 2017 at 3:40 pm (1 month ago)

    Hahahaha, an absolutely brilliant idea! This can become a super successful business… really;)
    #coolmumclub

    Reply
  16. Talya
    March 23, 2017 at 6:58 pm (1 month ago)

    Oh my goodness I remember reading this post back when it came out and I think this might have been when I fell in love with you wifey. Still gong strong two years later! Thanks for linking this up to #coolmumclub the oldies are often such goodies xoxo

    Reply
    • prabs
      March 23, 2017 at 7:55 pm (1 month ago)

      lol I know I cheated with an old one but we work so hard on these things, they need their time in the sun again!

      Reply
  17. Claire - Life, Love and Dirty Dishes
    March 30, 2017 at 9:55 pm (1 month ago)

    I’ll have a bottle of the school run please. In fact I have just drafted a post about my twice a day hell that is the school run with a toddler in tow. There’s days when I really wish it was acceptable to open a bottle at 9am!!! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

    Reply
  18. Emma Island Living 365
    March 31, 2017 at 9:57 am (1 month ago)

    Get that Abs Prabs winery open and I am coming for a lock-in. I need all of the second row. I need the pre-school ones. All of them. At the same time. Although, one glass does make me very giddy nowadays. I have also been known to throw on workout gear when I just can’t be bothered to get properly dressed. I like to throw in a few stretches on the school run so I look convincing and not at all like a dick. Yep, clearly not working! #FridayFrolics

    Reply
    • prabs
      March 31, 2017 at 4:26 pm (1 month ago)

      You are utterly utterly hilarious.

      Reply
  19. Tubbs
    March 31, 2017 at 12:49 pm (1 month ago)

    I’ll take Floordrobe and a straw …. Thank you 🙂

    Reply
    • prabs
      March 31, 2017 at 4:27 pm (1 month ago)

      and a straw! PML!

      Reply
  20. Hannah Jane
    April 2, 2017 at 8:08 pm (4 weeks ago)

    Oh this is just simply brilliant, I’ll take a bottle of Going Nuts please haha! Thank you for sharing with #bigpinklink x

    Reply
  21. Silly Mummy
    April 6, 2017 at 1:12 am (4 weeks ago)

    Haha – yes, I think you could make a fortune! Thanks so much for joining us for #FridayFrolics

    Reply

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