Dear reader, please note that henceforth, this blog shall no longer go by the name of Absolutely Prabulous. It will be known as ‘the Blog of 24/7 Toilet Disasters’. Alright, I won’t change it but honestly, we’ve had so many cracking gems featuring hilarious toilet humour tales that I should! This story from Intolerant Mum (whose blog name I just love for its double meaning) made me blooming howl. I just thought it was perfection from start to finish and given that I live in a country where we do make good use of wetsuits and have a big summer swimming lifestyle, must thank her for the ‘wetsuit tip’!
If you want more belly laughs, you can catch up on the rest of the #OopsFiles series here.
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It was an uneventful school pickup.
Daughter hurtled inside, shouting “I need a wee!” She HATES the school toilets so tries not to use them. They are pretty rank: picture the worst public loos you can, then just imagine small children using them largely unsupervised all day. Exactly. Daughter tells me they are smelly, nobody ever flushes and there is never any toilet roll. You can see her point. So, the poor soul will often go all day without weeing.
Now, our downstairs bathroom has a lock on the outside, a relic from when it was in fact the understairs cupboard, before becoming a state-of-the-art teeny tiny saniflo.
Daughter is unable to open the door in time.
She pees all over the floor.
I do what any loving and understanding mother would do, which is to scream “STOP WEEING! JUST! STOP! WEEING! Why can’t you STOP WEEING!!!”
We look at each other in horror as it cascades down her legs, hitting the
expensive wooden floor laminate in thunderous torrents. She wees for what feels like forever. How can a seven year old child contain so much wee? Does she have a pelvic floor of steel? A bladder the size of a football? I stand watching helplessly, wondering when on earth it will stop. A small lake is shimmering on the hall floor.
Small boy, meanwhile, runs to see what all the commotion is about. In perfect slow motion, he glides through the enormous puddle of still steaming pee. He flails and crashes down on his back. He is soaked, even his hair is dripping. FML, is this really happening?!!!!
By now, both kids are crying. I mop up the wee with about 26 kitchen rolls. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IT IS STILL WARM. Is this superhuman wee? I must tell her never to wee in a wetsuit, she may boil herself alive.
Both children were immediately thrown into the bath and I toyed with the idea of pretending it was in fact bed time. There will be no cooking tonight.
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My blog is about food and parenting. Clean eating, messy parenting. I am an intolerant mum of two (aged 7 and 2). Intolerant of wheat, lactose and my kids. That means I try not to eat too much wheat or dairy and, well I can’t really do a lot about the kids. Chanting “I must be more patient” and drinking wine helps a little with the child-intolerance but I think it’s essentially incurable. When not attempting to ‘eat clean’, you will find me bribing my children with chocolate and mooching in my local coffee shop where my two year old likes to breakfast upon crisps.
Follow Michelle on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and her blog Intolerant Mum