This post originally appeared on Chaimommas.
Dear mum from school, you know how we’ve been saying for the longest time we must get our angels together for a sleepover; yet it’s not happened? About that. I waited for you to initiate, but I heard through the grapevine that yours is a show home and you are nervous about hosting sleepovers. Well guess what honey? If you’re nervous, I’m positively terrified. I may not have a show home, but I’m a control freak; it’s a cross I have to bear. Anyways, we haven’t got our acts together and seem to be at stalemate so I’ll initiate. I’ll host it… alright?
But here’s the thing. There are…
Basically, just to be clear, your little cherub isn’t entering my house unless the following sleepover rules are read, memorized and understood:
TO THE GIRLS:
1. If your idea of having a good time involves jumping on my furniture then I must warn you my idea of handling this involves super glue and duct tape.
2. Please don’t just help yourself to the contents of my fridge and kitchen cupboards without asking me first (at which point I will say no) especially when it’s your first time here. I know, I know…call me old fashioned.
3. Try not to use my sofas to wipe your hands. I have a sink AND running water.
(Otherwise, Honey Bunny, it’s you, a cleaning cloth and some elbow grease on hand print removal duty whilst the others watch “One Direction” for the hundredth time.)
4. Movie and popcorn? Sure, no problem. Standard.
Popcorn stuffed down the sofas and stamped into the rug? Not so much. (See point 3 for consequences).
5. Don’t even think about using bad words to look cool, especially in front of my two younger kids. (Besides…they already hear enough from their mother.)
6. Ditto sarcasm. I could run a master class on it honey.
i) You know when you say you don’t want to eat so I order enough pizza for the others and then you decide you’re hungry after it arrives? Not cool, my dear.
ii) You know when you say you’re super hungry and then the pizzas arrive and you refuse to eat? Also not cool.
iii) If I spend my precious time, (which I could have wasted looking at Pinterest housecleaning tips and recipes that I’ll never ever use) cooking you a nice meal and you try either i) or ii), you can use that nice phone of yours to call your mother and explain there is no point her fetching you in the morning as you’ll be here til you finish every morsel.
8. Don’t even think about spending literally hours on the computer. May I suggest a mind-blowing alternative: it’s called ‘socialising’.
Put your phone away. You didn’t come here to do selfies and hit instagram. Let me introduce you to a new social network: it’s called ‘outside’.
9. Please take your personalized goblets and plates, that took us an age to make together, home with you. Arts and crafts don’t come naturally to me and you’ve no idea what self-restraint went into my coping with you dropping glitter EVERYwhere and waving those damned markers around. So please let it not have been in vain. Take that crap HOME sister.
10. If you can put your phone inside a fancy case and put that inside your designer sleepover bag, then I’m pretty sure you can handle putting your dirty undies inside the bag too. My floor is not a storage device and I’m pretty damned sure I’m not paid enough to handle someone else’s kid’s panties. Hang on…I’m not getting paid for any of this…
To The Boys:
I know I don’t have your attention for long so I’ll make it short and snappy. Like me.
1. Please try not to ask for fizzy drinks and TV the minute you walk through the door. Ask me once, I’ll be polite but firm. Ask me twice, you may hear my teeth grind. Ask me three times – actually just don’t ask me three times.
2. Don’t open up every puzzle, lego set and board game my son owns and throw the contents all over my house thinking that’s how you play with them. No there are no batteries, you don’t proceed to the next level after you’ve injured or killed someone and they don’t ‘switch on’ via a remote. You’ll live…you might even like it. Old school is cool kiddo.
i) Put the toilet seat up. Just do it.
ii) Watch where you point that thing. Just do it.
iii) Don’t forget to put it back down again. Just don’t.
By the way, remembering these three rules will make you very ‘popular’ when you’re a bit older. If you don’t know what I mean now…you will.)
4. Don’t bother looking in every storage box, basket and hamper I own, searching for toy guns. You won’t find any in this house.
If you ask me why I don’t have any, you’ll actually hear my eyes roll backwards. In fact, if you’re that desperate to play a game which involves pointing a weapon and aiming with deadly precision, I already suggested one: see point 3 ii).
5. See point 7) of the girls’ rules re: dinner etiquette. Ask your mother for a dictionary if you don’t recognize the word etiquette.
Right, I think that just about covers it.
So new mummy friend, did they read it? Now, what time would you like to send them over?
You still there?
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