Once upon a time, a mummy blogger (who nearly punched herself in the face typing that stupid phrase because she’s pretty sure nobody says ‘mummy graphic designer’ or ‘mummy pharmacist’) sat down to write the obligatory back to school 2017 post.
She was several days late (because truth be told, she was a bit of a rubbish mummy blogger).
Anyway, throughout the blogdom, she’d seen post after post from ‘mummy bloggers’ (aaarrrggh) revealing their desperation at having to endure six long weeks of school holidays with their kids.
And judging by the number of witty back to school 2017 memes bandied about on social media, she had the nagging feeling she should be instagramming suitably hilarious photos of herself cracking open bubbles, practically crying with relief, just metres away from the school gates on the first day of school. You know, photos peppered with hashtags such as #TFFT #YayISurvived #StillSmiling #WheresTheVodka for maximum effect.
In fact, as this snarky woman originally launched her blog to confess her numerous failings as a mother, SURELY it was her duty to write something about feeling sheer glee at them going back to school after their own 10 weeks off?
After all, wasn’t this the mummy blogger (screaming inside my own brain now) who liked to share humorous anecdotes about the challenges of parenthood and essential coping mechanisms such as these wines specifically for parents?
Surely, she should admit she couldn’t take One. More. Day. of their bloody bickering?
#festive #festivehumour #funny #schoolife #christmasholidays #schoolholidays #funnystuff #memes #thefunnysideoflife #lifewithkids #parenting #parenthood #motherhood #raisingkids#absolutelyprabulous
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Surely she was totally over reminding them to clear their frickin’ plates away after e-v-e-r-y snack and meal?
Surely her brain was fried at them constantly forgetting the few Summer holiday chores they had been set?
Surely she was fed up to the back teeth of their requests to watch yet another film followed swiftly by their total inability to then agree on something to watch?
Surely she was beyond irritation at finding the iPad battery was down to 2% because some little bugger hadn’t charged it after watching the damned film they’d had finally agreed on (and by ‘they’ I mean two out of the three kids)?
Surely her eyes hurt from rolling over how someone always managed to empty half a bottle of sun cream onto just one arm, leaving the rest of their body (and leaving the rest of us without enough sun cream).
Surely they had run out of beaches to visit and had had enough chlorine and seasalt in their hair to last a lifetime?
Surely she was ready to explode if she had to spend one. More. Day. with a teen who would rather draw her last breath getting the last word in?
And surely maybe, maybe surely, she had spat out venomously one too many times how she couldn’t wait for them to go back to school? (Shocker.)
However, dear reader, when it came down to writing a deliriously happy back to school post, this mummy blogger discovered something profound.
She. Could. Not. Do. it. She couldn’t bring herself to say she was thrilled about them being back at school.
Was it because she had — HOLD THE FRONT PAGE – actually enjoyed the company of her three musketeers?
They’re back at school and their mum is (cringe alert) scrolling through the Summer 2017 photos with a bit of a heavy heart. This is one of my faves…a retake of a photo first taken 3 years ago (minus Musical M that time) on this exact spot at Xlendi Bay, Gozo. Wonder whether we’ll manage take 3 in 2020! – – – – – #mykidsmylife #rememberingthesedays #cameramama #documentyourdays #pbloggers #thisismotherhood #myfamilymylife #makingmemories❤️ #raisinghappykids #myhappycapture #thisisfamily #mblogger #thismamaloves #findingjoyinthelittlemoments #absolutelyprabulous #childhoodunplugged #theglassisalwaysfull #happykidshappylife #findingjoyeveryday #thisiswhatitsallabout #maltabloggers #coolmumclub #pinklinker #Gozo #thisismalta #islandlife #summerfun2017
Was it because they had actually enjoyed EACH OTHERS’ company? Seriously, do siblings like this exist?
No I won’t tell you about the telling off they got in the car as we were boarding the ferry cos they were making so much noise mucking about. I’m not going to tell you about the first evening in Gozo where they just kept bickering. Let’s just sit here a few minutes and pretend our kids get on ALL the time!😁 – – – – #mykidsmylife #myhappycapture #happychildren #rememberingthesedays #cameramama #documentyourdays #pbloggers #thisismotherhood #myfamilymylife #makingmemories❤️ #raisinghappykids #myhappycapture #thisisfamily #happylittlebuttons #mblogger #thisisparenthood #findingjoyinthelittlemoments #absolutelyprabulous #theimportantstuff #siblinglovin #brothersandsisters #childhoodunplugged #theglassisalwaysfull #happykidshappylife #findingjoyeveryday #thisiswhatitsallabout #maltabloggers
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Was it because it had been total HEAVEN seeing the laundry mountain halved
by the Maltese #TooHotForClothes summer heat and she couldn’t face the looming heavier Autumn clothing that the kids would wear for exactly 90 minutes before chucking it in the laundry hamper?
As if we’re not already up to our ears in tech problems in this house (my Mac battery is on its last legs, hubby’s laptop needs replacing, the printer hasn’t worked in years, all our mobiles are playing up, my wordpress site is giving me hell, the eldest cocked up a newly repaired Vaio etc) I find THIS in the washing machine when I was just putting a load on. MY BLOG USB. Wedged in the bottom when I found it (moved it to show you tho). No idea how long it’s been in there. FML. Goodbye yet another USB with important files. You may no longer be any bloody use whatsoever but at least your clean. #mbloggers #domesticdisaster #technology #technightmares #modernliving #housewifeproblems #accidentalhousewife #lifeofamum #lifewithkids #fml #housewifefail #oops #familylife #mumsofinstagram #instamum #instakids
Ha! If THOSE were the reasons she couldn’t write a ‘thank God they’ve gone back to school’ post, then that would make this ‘mummy blogger’ (seriously just punch me) actually sound like a calm earth mother!
That would never do.
She’d be a sham of an ‘honest tell it like it is’ mum blogger! Her followers may feel let down. They’d demand their money back (ok overstretching the metaphors here but you get me).
No the actual reason she was not cracking open the champagne by the gates or writing a joyous back to school confessional was because she knew what was to come.
I mean, who in their right minds would look forward to this?!
- Trying to think of lunchbox options that don’t contain pasta or sandwiches every flipping day. Lunches they actually eat.
- The calm dulcet tones of her husband in the morning [sarcasm] barking orders and frog-marching everyone out of the house (including her)
- Stomach-churn nervousness over whether her kids would be in the same class as their chosen friends or stuck in perpetual hell with their class tormentor
- Having to sign the pointless code of conduct form for an 11th year in a row.
- Spending the first month at school at countless meetings, meet the teacher, meet the directors, parent café, social events X 3 (you know that feeling where you think maybe you had too many kids?)
- Weeping at paying out for ballsports, swim classes, gymnastics etc, so her kids supposedly develop Olympian hand-eye coordination, aquatic skills and agililty……but really so they don’t panic when someone throws them keys or drown in a puddle or do their back in bending down aged 30 to pick up a bunch of keys (that land on the floor when they dodge them because they can’t catch because they never did a ballsport…see!)
- Figuring out how to actually make these activities all happen when there are three kids in different places at overlapping times, one of me, seven days in a week and one car (yes I know that stupid orange-faced manchild doesn’t believe in climate change but I do)
- Homework. Homework. Homework.
- Leaving her wallet permanently open for the entire month of September, October, November for back to school stationery, birthday parties, activities signups, mid term play, two of her own kids’ birthdays. (You know that feeling where you think maybe you had too many kids?)
- And then there’s Christmas.
- Making sure the house is clean and tidy, keeping the kitchen fully stocked and trying to relocate her cooking mojo, tending to the mounting household projects, taking care of her own attempts to exercise regularly and…
To cap it all…she couldn’t put it off any longer…
It was time to go back to the blog.
Because, rather inconveniently, it wouldn’t run itself.
And she had NO idea how she was going to manage the kids, the house, the blog (the writing, the social media, the income side) and the everything. And she definitely had NO idea how others managed it.
So please bear with this mummy blogger (final groan) while she tries to relocate her blog brain.
It went on summer holiday without her permission and she doesn’t know where it’s gone. And she needs to work out which direction she wants to take her blog in too!
She sends you her sincere apology!
I really did enjoy my kids this Summer and genuinely had a heavy heart coming back home after the first morning drop-off. Opening the door to a quiet house without my three musketeers felt too lonely. Just don’t tell anyone I said that.