Posts Tagged ‘perfect mother’

5 Reasons Why The Tooth Fairy Didn’t Come

title of post plus silhouette of tooth fairy

I’m not the bake-sale mum with perfect coiffed hair. I’d eat all the cakes, would rather endure Celine Dion on constant loop than attend football practice and my hair is decidely un-’coiffable’. 

However, to go as far as admit that I am in fact the mum who cannot, for the life of her, remember to put the tooth fairy money under her kids’ pillow when they lose a tooth…E-V-E-R. Well…I’m about to admit that (as well as give you five reasons you can use if you ever need to explain why the tooth fairy never came…you’re welcome).

“She’s joking right?” you ask. Oh, but I’m not.  In my pathetic defence, although I was born and bred in the UK, am more British comedy series than Bollywood drama, prefer a Sunday roast to a curry (I know, shocker right?) and own a ridiculous amount of Union Jack items from oven gloves to shoes, I did nevertheless grow up in an Indian household.  We just didn’t do the tooth fairy ritual so I guess it’s a culture difference thing.  I could double-check with my siblings to see if they remember it differently but I’m quite sure we didn’t get anything when we lost a tooth. Apart from a ugly gap in the mouth.


So,
let me take you through the fiasco of my son finally losing his first tooth, aged seven.

He had excitedly placed his tooth under the pillow – BIG moment – and I wished him and the girls goodnight, making a mental note to fetch a coin once he was asleep. I went back down, told Hubster about the tooth and…promptly forgot about it myself.  Ironically, I forgot because after cleaning up the kitchen, I got busy writing a post about what I’ve learned since becoming a mum.  Clearly, I must have learned to not put the damned tooth fairy money under the pillow.  Honestly, my scatty mother behaviour has become so legendary that an actual newspaper article has been written about me.


Anyway, the following morning I nearly fell out of bed with a pounding heart as I
realised the mistake.

My Dreamy D: such an undemanding gentle child (when he’s not tanked up on Asthma meds) for whom the least I could do is remember his tooth fairy money.

dhru

 No worries, he’ll be fast asleep; I’ll just slip it under the pillow now, I thought…before I heard him in the bathroom sounding very much awake. Cue mini heart attack. Is he kidding me? He chooses this morning as the ONE morning in the whole week to wake up early, instead of being dead to the world like he normally is?!  Then I thought No problem, he’s always half asleep first thing; there’s no way he’s noticed the lack of silver under the pillow.  My sick-to-the-stomach feeling now replaced by calm complacency, I popped my head around the door and smiled as brightly as I could (no easy task as I don’t usually smile til I’ve literally bathed in coffee).  I nearly shrank in mortification as my son mustered up his bravest smile, tried to mask his disappointment and said:

“Mama, the tooth fairy never came.”

Quiet, flat, deflated voice.  Those huge doe eyes.  Go Team Prabs.  #MotherOfTheYear.

I crept back into my bedroom, punched myself in the face, briefly considered punching Hubster in the face and told him about the mess-up.  His response was “We are sh*t”.  What can I say?  He’s a man, an Aries man; they’re fairly direct but to be fair, this Aries man had a point.  Yet, though I totally agreed with the sh*t verdict and berated myself for my crap parenting, I was cheesed off at the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny and all the other damned myths I have to try to stay on top of.  My brain instantly fogged up with panic trying to figure out the right course of action.


In my frustration, I came up with 5 excuses I could give to explain the absence of money i.e. 5 Reasons Why the Tooth Fairy never came.

1) Toothy overslept after a mad night out with Tinkerbull (as Tinkerbell is now known because of her legendary Vodka Redbull consumption)
2) She got stuck in fairy traffic, due to an accident caused by two fairies not looking in their ‘wing’ mirrors 
3) Times are tough; even the tooth fairy is affected by the poor Fairy Dollar (FD) exchange rate.
4) Wait, you were expecting money? You know what I used to get when I lost a tooth? Kleenex!
5) Your mother is sh*t

 

I decided against mentally scarring him any further by using these excuses and instead, the whole situation went down like this:

  • I ran downstairs to fetch my wallet only to bump into Musical M (9yo at the time). Is she kidding me? She chooses this morning as the ONE morning in the whole week to wake up early, instead of being dead to the world like she normally is?!  Are you detecting the pattern here?
  • I hurriedly grabbed some coins. Musical M saw me. So I threw her my look. You know THE look that all of us are suddenly able to do once we become mothers. The “Don’t even think about asking me” look. Not you? Just me? Seriously?!
  • I pegged it back upstairs (I swear I never knew I could moved so fast) and bumped into Cheeky K (4yo) who’d climbed out of bed, having also chosen this morning as the ONE morning…you know what, I’m not even going to bother finishing that sentence…
  • I literally threw the money under his pillow not realising that Cheeky K was watching.  It’s pointless trying to administer THE look to a four year-old upon realising you’ve been rumbled. A hand may have been clamped over her mouth as she started asking me questions. I can neither confirm nor deny this. You’ll have to speak to my lawyer about that.
  • Now comes the rolling-my-eyes-in-shame bit (like it’s not shameful enough so far): I FORGOT TO TAKE THE TOOTH FROM UNDER THE PILLOW.

W

hat did Hubster do during all of this?

What, the man who can survive on three hours sleep? The man who never hits the snooze button? The man who practically leaps out of bed ready to face the day, the second the alarm goes off?  (Incidentally, how did I marry someone like this? I could just thump him.)  Basically, after delivering his “we are sh*t” verdict, he chose this morning as the ONE morning in the whole year to…

…go back to sleep.

Is he kidding me?!

A short while later, Hubster woke up, Dreamy D lifted his pillow again – er possibly prompted by his mother – and found money that had miraculously materialised while he’d been brushing his teeth.  He ran out of his room in total astonishment to tell us both that the tooth was still there.  Now, I’m a blogger. I write. Words are obviously my thing. But I have NO idea which words describe the look on my husband’s (or my son’s) face at this point.

 

I may or may not have crept out of the room silently.

I can neither confirm nor deny that rumour.

You’ll have to speak to my lawyer about that.

 


Rookie Mistakes
Originally published two years ago in different form. A version of it has also appeared on the brilliant guest blog series Rookie Mistakes by Life, Love and Dirty Dishes
Linked to:

25 Things I’ve Learned Since My Last Birthday

Another birthday rolls around and I’m sitting here thinking “I’m another year older but am I another year wiser?” Really, what have I learned since my last birthday? (I mean apart from the fact that there’s a higher chance of it happening between me and Robert Downey Jr than there is of Victoria Beckham ever cracking a smile…ever.)

Seriously, I do hope I’ve learned something new. Dammit, I ought to have learned something new, right? I recently saw the motivational phrase “Make sure you learn something new every day”.  The thing is, if I wanted to learn something new every day, I’d have to enrol myself in an Open University course that never ended. So scrap that. Learning something new every day just isn’t going to work for me.

However, I’ve put my mind to it and realised that I have nevertheless learned/realised the following:

1) WHEN I RECEIVE A 40TH BIRTHDAY INVITE, I think “Bless, so young…”

2) I GASP AT CHER AND JOANNE RIVERS’ PLASTIC FACES. No I’m not thinking “But why?!”  I’m thinking “Wow what a great job”.

3) I PROBABLY SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE ANYMORE. I’ve had far too many locking myself out the house / getting stranded because I’ve run out of petrol  / sleeping off girls’ nights out at friends’ houses (or in my car before turning on the engine to go home and discovering the battery’s flat) incidents than are fitting for someone of my age.

4) I NEED TO FIND THE PERSON WHO FIRST SAID “Life begins at forty”. I just need a bit of clarification on a couple of things. The main thing I need to clarify is how hard I should punch them in the face. Mind you they’re probably dead.

5) BUT THEN I AGREE WITH THE PHRASE “You’ll never be as young as the age you are now so enjoy it”.

6) I’M STRUGGLING WITH FEELING OFFICIALLY OLD (after years of successfully convincing myself I’m not). Seriously, I watched the film Last Vegas and instead of identifying with the girls in the party scenes, I found myself relating to De Niro/Douglas/Freeman and Kline, wondering if I’ll be popping as many pills as their characters when I’m their age…which FYI doesn’t seem that far off. (By the way, if I totally believe what I just said in 4, 5 and 6, am I nuts or just a typical Pisces, unable to decide on anything?)

7) MY KIDS HAVE AN INFINITE CAPACITY FOR forgiveness. Just as well…because:

8) I’LL NEVER BE THE KIND OF MUM I’d love to be. I don’t mean that in a self-pitying way. It’s a just a simple acceptance of a truth. I’m not fishing. I don’t want sympathy or “don’t be silly, you’re doing a great job” comments. We’re all doing a great job in our own way. There are just aspects of motherhood I don’t do well AT ALL and others I wish I could embrace such as loving nothing more than to do arts and crafts with my kids or enjoying baking/cooking with them. But in truth, I’d rather tattoo an image of Miley onto my forehead than do arts and crafts with my kids. I just don’t know what it is that makes me break out in hives at the thought of working with card, glue, glitter, whatever and then having to find somewhere to put the damned stuff. And I don’t mind baking with them but frankly, I just like to get it done and get out the kitchen. See? I’m sure I have a basic maternal thingamabob-whatsit gene missing. I know. You’re disgusted now. A thousand apologies.

9) I’VE NEVER BEEN THE KIND OF DAUGHTER I should have been. And God knows, my mum deserves the very best. I could elaborate but it would take too long and it would probably involve tears and my laptop isn’t working so well so wetting it isn’t a good idea right now.

10) PEOPLE WHO INVITE YOU to ‘like’ and use a birthday app, on social media, probably shouldn’t be wishing you a Happy Birthday on the wrong day.

11) WATCHING A BRIT WIN WIMBLEDON IS FAB BUT…watching Bradley Cooper (before he went all orange after over-doing it with the fake tan) and Gerard Butler leap up from their Centre Court seats and hug each other laughing like crazy when that Brit wins Wimbledon is pure flipping magic (honestly I couldn’t make that up if I tried).

12) SOME OF MY FRIENDS THINK I’M SUPER ORGANISED (well…two friends counts as ‘some’ doesn’t it?), some think I’m not entirely vigilant (had to put that one in for a certain someone…she knows who she is…that one’s gonna run and run) and some think I’m a hot mess. This proves that my friends know me really well or not at all. I haven’t decided which (Pisces – See point 6).

13) ONCE A HOPELESS ROMANTIC, always a hopeless romantic. Mental note to self: never stop kissing.

14) HANNIBAL LECTER ALMOST WRECKED THINGS FOR ME on this front but after years of being a Bordeaux (and erm Amarone…and yes there are stories I could tell…well one in particular) kinda gal, I’m finally getting into Chianti. Take that, Hopkins.

15) LAUNCHING A BLOG – alright so I’m only three months in to it but I can still say this – has been gratifying, educating, revealing, liberating, heartwarming and so much more. So far so pain in the backside battling WordPress but so far, oh so fun too.

16) NEVER SAY NEVER. I know, it’s a well-known phrase, not a revolutionary discovery of my own making.  But when you have one of those moments (or if you’re lucky more than one moment) where you remember you said “I’ll never do that…it’s so not my thing” or “I’ll never be any good at that…I just can’t do it” only to realise that you are in fact now doing it, you don’t suck at it and you LOVE it, that my friend right there is ‘never say never’ gold.

17) I NEVER KNEW THAT a programme that critiques – well alright, downright rips the shit out of – the dress sense of celebrities and another programme that involves an intense competition to find America’s best cook, could be so good.

18) THERE ARE FEW PROBLEMS that staring at a picture of Idris Elba can’t fix. Haven’t tried it? Ooh but you should… (Men that includes you too.)

19) THAT REMINDS ME, it’s probably best not to look at pictures of myself in my twenties. No good will ever come of it. Sigh.

20) I LIKE TEQUILA AND TENNIS. (Don’t worry, I don’t do both at the same time.)

21) I’VE BEEN ABLE TO RE-PROGRAMME MY BRAIN and recondition my belief system to support me instead of sabotage me (those are hubster’s words and believe me, he should know, after observing in silent frustration all these years and to be honest, I couldn’t have put it better myself). Confused? Buy me a mojito some time and I’ll explain.

Finally, if you don’t like cheese, I suggest you skip straight to 25). The rest of you:

22) THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO HAVE COME INTO MY LIFE in the last 12 to 14 months without whom I honestly don’t know how I lived before. They make me happy and they are truly good for my soul. This girl don’t need no chicken soup.

23) MAKING MY HUSBAND PROUD OF ME: great feeling.

24) MAKING MY KIDS PROUD OF ME: borderline addictive.

25) MAKING ME PROUD OF ME: the best.

That’s it.